my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
