She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
