Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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