I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
