I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
