I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
