I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
