life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
