and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We need to get me chipped asap
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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