I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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