I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
