Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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