He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
