Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
