SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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