It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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