I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
