Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize