When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Did I show you my penis last night?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
