we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
