i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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