Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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