I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
