Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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