I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We need to rekindle our bromance
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
