I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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