whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
