Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
