Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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