While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
