I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
