Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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