What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
