I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You have to summon your inner elephant
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
