It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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