I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
