I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
