I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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