At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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