It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize