I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
