Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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