11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
