dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
