please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
