I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
