mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
