I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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