I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
