I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
