Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize