WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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