so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
