He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
