You smell like a Billy Joel song
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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