Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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