I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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