dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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