dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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