There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
