Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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