You just made me feel so damn special
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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